3 Years

Three years ago today, my older brother Billy lost his 18 month battle to cancer.  It still feels like it was just yesterday.  There is not a day that goes by that memories of him don't cross my mind.  He is dearly missed.  Billy had anaplastic large cell lymphoma.  It was supposed to be a fairly treatable form, but he was not so lucky.  One of the misconceptions that people have is that it is easier losing a loved one to cancer because they have cancer so you "expect" them not to make it.  I say they are very wrong.  There were so many ups-and-downs throughout his treatment, we were so hopeful of a full recovery.  His body was "cancer free" quite a few times, but everytime just a short amount of time later another lump was found and the cancer was always back.  My family was solid through the whole thing, we all hide our emotions very well, as did Billy.  He never lost his sense of humor or his smile throughout the entire 18 month journey.  Some of my greatest and funniest memories of him take place in the hospital while spending time with him.  Myself and my mom and dad were there with him in the hospital everyday that he was there.  Whether it was the entire day, or after we got off work, we were always there with him and he ALWAYS had other visitors.  He hardly ever had minute to himself. 

*One of the days that it was just Billy and I there billy was lying in bed and I was sitting on a little couch towards the foot of his bed watching TV and not paying attention to him.  All of a sudden some little round ball him me.  I picked it up, looking at it it looked just like a little ball of putty and it was soft and squishy just like putty...all of a sudden Billy BURSTS our laughing...I knew I was in trouble, for I did not know the true identity of this foreign ball that just hit me...I look at Billy as he is hysterically laughing and he taps on his nose...He THREW A BUGGER AT ME!!! And I played with it thinking it was something cool. GROSS. Funny but GROSS!

*Another story that I really love is just a few months after Billy was initially diagnosed he started losing his vision and completely lost all sight in one eye and could hardly see anything out of the other.  He was taken to the doctor where tests were done and it was discovered that he had a tumor on his pituitary gland that was causing his loss of vision and the cancer had moved to his brain.  It was stake conference weekend and my dad at the time was on high counsil.  It was sunday morning and after the morning meetings, or Stake President at the time President Gaisford came down and gave Billy a blessing along with my father and in the blessing Billy was promised his vision back, and it did.    

Lots of family and friends shaved their heads to support Billy.  We participated every year, and still do to this day in Lymphoma walks for his support and now for his memory.  It was SO unimaginably hard watching your brother go through the pain and some embarrassment through his 18 month battle.  Now having my own child, I cant even imagine having to watch it all happen from a parents point of view.  It gives me a whole new love and respect for my mother and father. 

It was the night of Valentines day in 2008 that was Billy's last night home.  He caught pnemonia and was having a hard time breathing so he had to be taken by ambulance down to the hospital.  The next night my father stayed with him, and it was Billy's final night conscious.  That night he was moved to ICU and remained there sedated until the night that he passed. 

I dont mean to make everyone who reads this cry and feel bad, but its just nice to talk about it.  The night that he passed was heavenly.  Its kind of a funny story, I had the day off of work and this guy that I really liked asked me out, and I was hesitant to go out because I always felt like any free time that I had I needed to be down at the hospital, I didnt want to miss anything.  So this guy asked me to go out and I said sure but it would have to be earlier in the day so he said okay and we went to a driving range.  Afterwards he wanted to get lunch and I said thanks but I really feel like I need to get down to the hospital.  So I left and headed straight down there.  Its kind of funny too though because Ryan said that he always felt like he should ask me out but that it never felt like the right time, and it wouldnt have been.  There was a time period through all of this where I turned down every guy who asked me out because I felt like I should always be down at the hospital.  So chances are I would have said no to him too!  But we eventually got married so its all good now! :) As soon as I got down there my mom was in Billy's room and the look on her face and looking at all of the machines and all of his vitals it hit me as soon as I walked in.  I knew that that was going to be the end of Billys battle.  His body was shutting down.  My dad got down there shortly after I did and tons of doctors and nurses were coming in and out trying to get his counts up to where they should be.  The room was getting crowded so I left and went out into the waiting room in the hall.  About an hour after I had been out there Lisa, Billy's girlfriend had gotten there.  And just after that my grandma got there.  The bishop of our ward got there without being called or anything.  He just knew he was supposed to be there.  And little by little all of our family was there, and we filled the waiting room.  I remember standing outside the ICU doors with my aunts Kristi, Kori and Kolette and all of a sudden the doors just opened, so I went in.  As soon as I walked back there Billy's heart took its final beat.  As soon as I saw that I turned around and ran to get my mom she was out in the waiting room with family.  No quicker that I turned an alarm sounded and the intercom sounded a code blue.  As soon as my mom heard that alarm she was already up, everyone knew it was Billy.  All of our family was in there surrounding him.  We all watched as he passed.  It was so peaceful,  there was a spirit there that I have never felt before.  Being in the ICU there were constantly other patients alarms and things beeping and buzzing the all the time.  But for the entire 45 minutes that they tried to recesitate him and for about an hour after he died, the entire floor was dead silent.  It was Billy's time to shine all attention was on him.  It is a memory and experience that I would never trade for anything or want to forget.  Billy passed at 8:05pm on February 25. 

I love and miss him very much, and I am so grateful to know that I will see him again as well as all of the other family that I have that has passed.  It is such a great and comforting feeling to know where he is and to know that we will all be united again someday. 

Love you tons Billy, you are extremely missed.